


Love is Not Love...

by Gimmeran21



Category: The Professionals (TV 1977)
Genre: Angst, Brain Damage, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Physical Disability, Temporary Amnesia, mental disability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:26:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24089617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gimmeran21/pseuds/Gimmeran21
Summary: Bodie and Doyle have been in a relationship for several years but everything changes when Doyle is injured.
Relationships: William Bodie/Ray Doyle
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	1. The Mission

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to William Shakespeare for the quote.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyle comes back from a long dangerous mission where he's been working undercover.

It had been an exhilarating six months for Bodie, starting off slow with just one small-time drug dealer to take down and ending with the arrest of sixteen of them and discovering that said small-time drug dealer was actually the organiser of the whole thing.

But it had been a different matter for Ray who had been sent deep undercover once it had become obvious how large-scale the operation was turning out to be. He had had to lay the ground work so that he would be noticed and then provide the right credentials so that he would be admitted to the gang. The gang that stood for everything that he despised: the dealers and pushers responsible for so much misery.

He’d seen too closely what damage drugs did to the addicts and as a policemen had knocked at too many doors to give the death notice to relatives once the drugs had successfully put an end to the life of their husband, wife or child.

From the start it had been agreed that to pass information on he would establish the habit of popping into a local newsagent’s for fags and a newspaper and giving the odd coin to a beggar who appeared every so often in the same street. Bodie had been only one of a team providing the contact so Ray had hardly seen his lover for the whole six months, just enough to pass brief and of necessity reassuring messages to his mother.

Ray hadn’t had time to tell anyone about the time Grogan had pulled a loaded gun on him and threatened to blow his brains out if he didn’t come clean. Doyle had kept his nerve and bluffed his way through it seeing it as the test it was. He couldn’t tell anyone about the time one of the dealers, not averse to sampling his wares every so often and high as a kite, had threatened him with a syringe loaded with pure cocaine just because he was in the mood. Grogan had put paid to that by the simple expedient of shooting the man dead. 

“Can’t afford any weak links you know Ray,” he’d said as he put his gun away. Ray never knew what happened to the body.

The debriefing had started at 6am. According to Cowley they had needed to start that early because he had a vital meeting that afternoon. Bodie had muttered to himself “what a load of cobblers but ours not to reason why,” as he set his alarm for 5am. Still he was at least going to see Ray for more than just minutes at a time.

Bodie looked across the dimly-lit room as Ray delivered his debriefing in a low colourless voice, stopping only when he was asked to clarify various points. “He’s lost weight and he looks pale,” thought Bodie but most of Ray’s face was hidden by the greasy hair allowed to grow long and ratty and by the thick stubble over his chin.

There was no spark in the narrative which somehow made the horrors that Ray was describing even worse because he was normally inclined to the dramatic. Then abruptly the narrative and the questions were finished and Bodie let out the breath he had unconsciously been holding.

“Right, gentlemen and lady,” Cowley nodded towards Susan, “I think that’s enough for now. We’re collating all the evidence and will be interrogating the gang members over the next few days so I think I can afford to give you, Doyle, five days off,” and almost as an afterthought, “and you, Bodie, as well. Go, before I change my mind.”

Bodie moved across the room to Ray’s side and as they walked into the well-lit corridor the light revealed just how much weight Ray had lost, the shadows under his eyes, the new lines on his face and the now livid skin across his broken cheekbone. He looked exhausted.

Ray always gave his all, no half-measures for him. The job had to be done whatever the cost to him. “That’s my Ray, stubborn little so and so! And now I’m taking care of you.”

As Ray fumbled for car keys and finally found them his hands trembled slightly. 

“Right mate, you’re not driving anywhere in the state you’re in. We’ll go in my car.”

As soon as they got through the door of their flat, Bodie turned Ray round and said “Ray, I’ve missed you." Bodie nuzzled Ray’s neck, breathing in the Ray smell – the smell that was given added piquancy by the stale body odour he was also giving off.

Suddenly realizing that Ray was hardly responding he looked again in his face and saw the look of utter fatigue.

“I need to phone mum and it’s early and I’m not sure…”

“Right sunshine, you are going to have a shower – you’ve got a right pong on you and then you’re going to bed. You can ring her once you’re clean and anyway I said _you_ are going to bed and you’re going alone to catch up on some beauty sleep, although I suspect even if you slept for a hundred years it wouldn’t make your ugly mug any prettier.”

“Oy.”

It was a mark of his exhaustion that Ray didn’t even attempt to throw a punch in retaliation for the insult, just ambling towards the bathroom. Bodie heard the shower and ten minutes later heard the bedroom door open and then a slight thump, so he went to see how Ray was doing and saw him sprawled across the bed, spark out. As Ray was only wearing skin and it was getting chilly, Bodie gently moved him under the covers and Ray rolled over and pulled them round him like a cocoon. Bodie smiled to himself – it was going to be fun trying to pull back some covers for himself later on.

Typical! There were out of season strawberries and a bottle of champagne in the fridge. Those out of season strawberries that Ray loved but was too mean to buy for himself not to mention him going on about the cost to the planet of flying them in. Bodie could hear him grumbling even as he scarfed them down despite himself, his thanks in his eyes. Still there was always tomorrow and Ray so obviously needed his sleep more than food.

Now to make his plans. Ray was going to have some good times to try to make up for the last six months so Bodie spent the next hour making phone calls.

Ray hardly stirred when Bodie got into bed that night, just moved slightly towards him mumbling incoherently.

Bodie couldn’t resist even if it meant waking Ray up so he took him in his arms and held him close. After hearing in detail the danger Ray had been in without Bodie to watch out for him he was so grateful to have him back. 

He wasn’t sure how he would have coped with losing Ray. No, stay cool – Ray’s the hothead, sounding off about the most trivial things like Bodie leaving cake crumbs in the bed or not doing the washing up when it was his turn. Yet when Ray had been given this assignment he’d never once complained. He’d known the chances of being in regular contact with the only two people in his life that really mattered to him were remote.

Bodie thoughts meandered on, yes, Ray’s mother, Evelyn, sort of his mother-in-law he supposed. She’d welcomed him into her home and made jokes about treating him like another son or was that a son-in-law? But he knew that behind the jocularity she truly did accept him and his relationship with her son. She and Ray were the only real family that Bodie had ever had and he was so grateful for that.

When Bodie woke up the next morning he got up quietly, unwilling to disturb Ray and went into the next room to let him sleep on. After several hours he went into the bedroom to check on Ray and saw he was stirring and looking tired but not as wiped out as he had been the day before.

“W’happen?”

“You just zonked out, you were tired out.”

“Oh, what time is it?”

“Eleven.”

“What! I’ve missed half a day’s leave and I still haven’t phoned mum. You shouldn’t have let me lie in. You should have woken me up." Green eyes flashed.

“Come on, you were exhausted. Besides I’ve got plans,” Bodie said with a wicked grin.

“Oh.”

“No, not yet. You are going to get dressed and we’re going to have a nice fry up and then we’re going to have a chat.”

“You know I don’t like you clogging up your arteries with that muck let alone you expecting me to eat it as well. Anyway I must ring mum." This last with a slight note of desperation. 

Bodie knew that Ray actually liked the odd fry up but didn’t want to make it too easy on him. So he made them a nice unhealthy fried breakfast and then Ray phoned his mum. 

“Hello mum.”

Bodie could hear her delighted exclamations.

“Yes, mum, I’m alright. I know Bodie’s told you why it’s been so long.”

More talking from Doyle’s mum.

“Well, yes mum, you know what’s it’s like with the job. Of course I’m safe now. Sorry it’s been so long. Yes mum, I want to come and see you. Is it alright if we come down tomorrow? We’ve got some time off. If you’re not too busy?” 

This without a hint of irony. It always amazed Bodie that Ray never seemed to realize how much his mum loved him. She’d never be too busy for her only son.

“Sorry, I’ve got to go now, something’s burning.”

“What?” and then Bodie heard the break in Ray’s voice and got up to let Ray walk into his arms as he started to shake.

Bodie just held him whispering soothingly until he stilled.

“Sorry about that. I’ve made an idiot of myself haven’t I?”

For once Bodie was lost for words. This man, _his_ man, had endured six months of isolation from all that he held dear, in constant danger of being killed while having, as he saw it, to compromise his ideals, and when he could finally gain some release through tears all he could do was apologise.

No wonder he loved the little sod. Heaving a sigh he pushed his beloved idiot away from him and, looking him in the eye, said, “Don’t ever say anything that stupid again. If you can’t show your feelings to me who can you show them to? I love you, you great lummox. You’ve had a horrible six months and you need plenty of rest and relaxation not to mention plenty of the other,” and he wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“The measly five days Cowley has given us is certainly not enough for you. Perhaps you ought to go off sick with stress. Dr Ross would love that.”

“Don’t you even think it.”

“So, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going out for a nice relaxing ride in the woods tomorrow…”

Bodie put up a hand as Ray started to protest.

“And then we’re going to your mum’s for the rest of the time. Mind you, I had to strong arm her. She didn’t really want you, just me, her favourite son-in-law.” He smiled then stopped as Ray fetched him a wallop on the shoulder.

“That hurt!”

“It was meant to. Why all this sneaking around behind my back? I’m perfectly capable of sorting out my own social life,” but there was a betraying twinkle in his eyes.

“Thank you, sounds perfect” and then his head fell back and he was asleep again.

“Oh Ray, what am I going to do with you”, he said to himself as he dragged his still sleeping partner to the bedroom and put him on the bed. He truly hadn’t realized the level of exhaustion Ray was feeling.

Putting aside all thoughts of making slow sweet love to his beloved he took himself off for a calming run.


	2. The Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyle has a fall with disastrous consequences.

Bodie had planned their long weekend together. Friday, a gentle hack beside the woods, going to see Ray’s mother in the evening and then spending the whole of Saturday and Sunday with her.

“Race you,” and Bodie set his horse to gallop. Despite Bodie’s cheating, Ray had overtaken him and then looked back to smirk at his partner so he hadn’t noticed the overhanging branch which had whipped against his face and spooked his mount. Dropping the reins as his horse shot forward, Ray fell to the ground in an ungainly sprawl and lay unmoving. 

“Come on Ray, stop playing possum. Get up.” No response. This was ridiculous. Trust Ray to play silly beggars.

“Come on.”

Then Bodie realized that blood was coming from Ray’s nose, his face was sheet white and not its usual honey colour and his left leg was bent awkwardly.

Bodie dismounted swiftly.

“Ray, don’t do this to me. Trust you, miles from anywhere and no R/T.”

Ray’s pulse was weak and thready and despite Bodie rubbing his sternum he did not respond. Bodie took off his jacket to provide some warmth for Ray as he was undoubtedly going into shock.

Bodie’s only option was to get back on his horse to get help and hope that Ray lasted until that help had arrived. He finally reached a house and after tying up the horse he banged furiously on the door which was opened by a small white haired woman.

“Can I…” and went straight to the phone in the hallway and having called the ambulance service he rang HQ to arrange a pick up for Ray’s and his horse and then tried to pacify the householder.

“I’m sorry luv, but my mate’s been hurt very badly and I needed to get him help as fast as possible.”

“Oh my goodness, is there anything I can do?”

“Nothing, unless I could just sit down and wait here?”

He’d hated leaving Ray. Where the hell was that ambulance and was Ray even alive still?

“Would you like a cup of tea?” Yes, tea, the panacea for all ills.

“Ta, luv. Someone will collect the horse later.”

Finally a knock on the door. Thank God for professionals. He explained the situation again and they got moving. Luckily they were able to park very near the site of the accident and got to Ray in double-quick time, Ray who was unmoving but alive - just. His horse was cropping the grass nearby.

The ambulance man kept up a one-sided conversation while he rapidly checked Ray’s vital signs, checked out his head and leg and then with the driver put him in the ambulance.

Desperate to get to Ray as soon as possible Bodie finally managed to get to the car to drive to the cottage hospital.

“Right, where is he?”

“Who?” stammered the girl at the reception desk, frightened by the menace in Bodie’s voice. Worry had made him unconsciously adopt the persona he used when interrogating a suspect.

“Ray Doyle,” he almost snarled. Then caught himself when he saw the look of fear in the girl’s eyes.

“Sorry,” as he dialled down the threat level and turned on the Bodie charm instead.

“I’m worried about my mate. He was brought in here earlier.”

The girl relaxed somewhat and checked the card index. “Yes, he’s in Room 3. Straight ahead and it’s the third door on the right.”

He threw out a perfunctory “thank you” as he rushed down the corridor.

Ray was being tended by a nurse who was checking his vitals and noting them on a chart. She looked up and barely managed to disguise her pitying look. Ray was lying still like Bodie had never seen before, his head covered in thick bandages and his leg in a cast up to his thigh.

“How’s he doing?”

“You’ll need to ask the doctor I’m afraid.”

“Then where is he?”

“You’ll need to go back to reception.”

Barely suppressing a string of oaths Bodie made it to reception only to find Evelyn there.

She’d been in the kitchen cooking up a storm in preparation for the family get together that night because Ray and Bodie, with their enormous appetites, were due to come down in a couple of hours and stay over the weekend.

Then the phone had rung. She had hurried to answer it, “Evelyn Doyle here. Bodie, that you? Are you running late again? You’d be late for your own funeral.” Then the sense of Bodie’s words had come through.

“What’s that you say? How bad? Critical? Where is he? St Mary’s. I’m on my way,” and she had slammed the phone down, nearly missing the cradle. She had gone cold with reaction and couldn’t stop shaking but had the presence of mind to switch off the oven. She knew she wasn’t in a fit state to drive so raced round to her neighbours’ to ask for a lift.

Dropped off by her neighbour, she had rushed into the hospital reception and saw Bodie looking as though he had been hit by a ten ton lorry.

“How is he? Is he…?”

“He’s still with us. I’ll take you to him.”

A nurse was checking the various lines running into Ray’s still, silent body.

Evelyn went to touch her son but hesitated. 

“Come on son, wake up. I know you must be tired but you need to wake up now,” and she went on and on until she was hoarse. Evelyn picked up a lax hand and started to stroke it gently but the hand remained unresponsive.

“Come on Evelyn you need a cuppa. Let’s go to the canteen.”

Bodie got them tea, wishing he could put a slug of whisky in it.

“What does the doctor say?”

“He said we’ve got to wait for a few days. Ray’s too ill to be moved to X-ray at the moment but he said it could be bad if Ray has a severe brain injury. Further than that the doctor would not say.”

So they’d waited for three long days until Ray could be X-rayed and then the doctor had given them Ray’s prognosis.

“I think there is little hope of even a partial recovery and even if he does regain consciousness there’s a strong possibility that he will be severely brain damaged with regression to the mental age of a child.”

They were too shocked to say anything apart from “thank you, doctor,” and then Evelyn began to shake.

Taking her by the hand, Bodie took her into the visitors’ room which thankfully was empty.

“Well, I’m blowed if I’m going to accept that, are you?”

“You and me both.” Was this what really lay ahead? No - she’d damn well get him moved to somewhere that would treat him like a human being, not a vegetable. 

Her Ray, bright, sarcastic, snarky, witty - a vegetable, no - not a vegetable but a child again. What about Bodie? How would he cope?

She was Ray’s mother and mother love coped with blows like this didn’t it? She’d loved Ray when he was a child and she’d love him still if he became a child again. Brave words, she thought to herself, I only hope I can stick to them.

Bodie took one look at Evelyn’s face and knew where Ray had got his stubbornness from.

“Bodie, I’m not giving in about this. He’s not going to be written off. We’ve got to try at least.”

Then her voice faltered and she gave way to the tears that had been threatening and Bodie took her in his arms.

“Of course, it goes without saying. We need a second opinion. I’ve already got Cowley on the case and he’ll be getting back to me shortly. There’ll be a delay until Ray’s stabilised and fit to be moved but it will happen.” Then almost under his breath he added, “it’s got to.”

They waited out what seemed to be another interminable delay until the doctor said that Ray was fit enough to be moved and then the ambulance took him slowly to the neurological department at Bart’s Hospital in London.

Bodie and Evelyn were ushered into the consultant neurologist’s room by his smiling secretary.

“Good morning Mrs. Doyle and…?” Dr Charles Cavanagh looked enquiringly at Bodie.

“William Bodie, just call me Bodie. I’m Ray’s - Mr. Doyle’s best friend and his partner at work.”

Bodie hated lying to the doctor about the true nature of his and Ray’s relationship but really didn’t want to get involved in a discussion which might end in an argument or hostility. They had enough on their plate without that.

“Thank you for the clarification. Now I know you must both be feeling very anxious about all manner of things at the moment. I understand that you have been told that Mr. Doyle may be so severely brain damaged that he would have a mental age of a child. All I can say is that although none of us can predict the future with any certainty what I can tell you is that the brain is a wonderful thing and we can do a lot to help it heal.”

“Of course, Mr. Doyle may never recover enough to be the way he was before the injury and you both need to be prepared for that. However there is hope and you are part of that hope.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know him best, his past, his experiences, his memories, his interests. You will need to help stimulate him to try to regain at least some of that.”

“But how?”

“By continuing to talk to him as I understand you have been. Get his other friends and colleagues to come in and talk to him regularly. By the way does he like reading?”

“Avidly, when he has the time,” said Bodie.

“Then as he can’t read for himself yet (even the “yet” sounded hopeful), read to him, bring him books on tape for him to listen to. Does he like music?”

“Does he not! He drives me mad making me listen to his tapes and LPs.”

“Then bring them in and let him listen to his music. Bring him a radio as well. It’s all about stimulating his senses and helping his brain to re-establish connections.”

“We need to help both his brain and his body to heal so we will be starting physiotherapy to help build his muscle tone and strengthen his broken leg.”

“Can we help with that? I can learn massage and if you show us the physiotherapy exercises…”

Bodie stopped, aware that he hadn’t given Evelyn a chance to say anything. But his reading of her character before the accident hadn’t been off. She leaned forward and said, “Yes, please let us help.”

“I was hoping you’d say that. We encourage the patient’s, I should say in this case, Ray’s, friends and family to help with his care while he’s an inpatient. After all, you will be the people responsible for his care when he is discharged from hospital.”

He and Evelyn were talking or reading to Ray in between what seemed to be a constant stream of visitors including Cowley, Anson, Jax, and McCabe. The radio and hi-fi were on in between that and then there were the regular visits of the nurses and the consultant. 

Despite all this activity it seemed to him that Dr Cavanagh was beginning to prepare them for the fact that Ray might never wake up, just slip away in his sleep.

When would it end? Day followed day with Ray’s condition unchanged. The only difference between one day and the next was which one of “the lads” would come to see Ray and who was sporting what injuries. They would briefly acknowledge Bodie and Evelyn’s presence before getting on with their mission of talking to Ray. 

It was like being on the longest, most frustrating stakeout ever without any payback in terms of catching a villain or collecting a vital piece of information. And Bodie could do nothing, not even his job, now that Cowley had stood him down for the next six months.

Certainly he was helping with the passive exercises and massages but it seemed so pointless. He saw himself as a walk-on player, an extra, not really part of the action. What the hell was he doing anyway, he was like the proverbial spare part at a wedding. Evelyn had every right to be here but what real right did he have to be here?

Bodie looked down at his lover. His firecracker, hot-headed Ray so still and quiet. Not really his Ray any more. There seemed to be nothing left of the man he had loved for such a short time and nothing seemed to be working to bring him back. It wasn’t just the sex that he missed, although God did he miss that but he missed the casual trusting intimacy. 

The featherlight kiss waking him when he was dozing over the newspaper, waking up in bed to a Ray who had suddenly turned into an octopus, gentling Ray down from one of his nightmares and being kissed in thanks, sitting thigh to thigh watching the match and rubbishing each other’s team, Ray reaching over to hold his hand just because he could, sharing a bath, holding Ray to his chest and feeling the wiry strength of his lover.

The younger, less perceptive nurses tried to set up dates with him, making sure he had their phone number and knew when their shift was due to end while some of the older nurses would occasionally take him to one side and talk to him knowingly about the difficulties of living with someone who was disabled.

As the weeks that turned into months went on, Evelyn and he had become so much a part of hospital life that they were invited to the staff celebrations held in the staff-room.

Then came the summons from Cowley.

“I’m sorry lad but I have no choice. You’ve already nearly run through the six months’ discretionary leave I gave you as well as your ordinary leave. I can’t keep your position open much longer.”

“Thank you sir for making that clear,” and Bodie had automatically fallen into parade rest as he dealt with the latest blow.

So even that was being taken away – the two most important parts of his life, Ray still in a coma and now his job under threat. The skills he had acquired and honed over the years gone to waste, the relationship with Ray now one-sided.

And then after all that time Dr Cavanagh said that Ray’s level of consciousness was rising and that he should start to show signs of purposeful autonomous movement but was unwilling to be drawn on the exact timescale.


	3. The Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyle wakes from his coma.

Then had come the day when Ray had started to stir, making small feeble movements, his eyes flickering behind the lids. There was a subtle change from the body that had lain so still and almost lifeless for so many months.

“He’s starting to come out of it. Thank God.” Evelyn’s voice which had never wavered in public started to quiver and then Bodie was at her side, holding her.

“Yes, thank God.” He who hadn’t believed in a very long time suddenly felt that he did at least for the moment.

“Yes indeed. But you must remember what I warned you about. After such a long time it is very possible that he has suffered brain damage which could affect his speech, memory and co-ordination.”

It was like a stinging slap in the face. They had so longed for Ray to wake up that they’d chosen to forget the doctor’s warnings and reminders. He’d always been scrupulously honest with them but they had selected what they wanted to hear.

The searching fingers grasped his and Ray said, “B-b.”

“Yes, I’m here.” But there was no further response as Ray’s eyes flickered past him as though looking for someone else.

“Ray, I’m here.”

Dr Cavanagh said quietly, “He might not remember your face. You may just be a voice to him and he might not remember the context.”

Bodie was used to concealing his feelings so the shock didn’t show in his face but something in the way he braced himself must have told the doctor something.

“I must let his mother know.” He hurriedly left to phone her with the good news.

“What! What did he say? I’m on my way” and Bodie was left holding a buzzing handset.

“Bodie.”

“Yes, I’m here.”

“M-Mum, I want Bodie.”

“I’m here love.”

“Mum, want Bodie.”

“What?” Bodie turned towards the doctor, who gestured for him to go into the corridor.

“I’m sorry, Bodie, it appears that Ray remembers your name but not what you look like so he doesn’t connect you with the name Bodie.”

“No!”

“I’m afraid so. But it won’t necessarily be forever. You’ll have to be very patient I’m afraid.”

“But it’s already been six months.”

“Bodie – where?”

“I’m here.”

“Not here, go ‘way.”

Ray’s voice rose in distress.

“I’m sorry, you’ll either have to leave or stop trying to talk to him as Bodie. Just go along with his idea that you’re someone else.”

Evelyn said, “Ray, this is my friend William, he’s going to help me look after you.”


	4. Bodie Gives up The Struggle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodie makes a momentous decision.

As Ray tried to sit up, his mother touched his shoulder.

“Remember yesterday? I showed you how to make the bed help you sit up. Now show me how to make the bed move so you can sit up.”

She handed the control to Ray who looked at in confusion. Bodie forced himself not to take it and adjust the bed himself.

Evelyn, sensing his thoughts said, “B…William, he’s got to do it himself. He has to learn.”

Ray, tongue sticking out in concentration, pressed first one button then another, obviously remembering nothing of what his mother had shown him the day before and several days before that. Then suddenly the head of the bed rose to give him the support he needed. He flashed a big grin at his audience then lay back exhausted.

“See you did it. Now why don’t you go to sleep for a while?”

Wiped out by that small effort he fell asleep, control still in his hand. Evelyn quickly removed it and placed it to the side.

This is what it had come to, the Ray whose reflexes had been lightning fast and who had been the top marksman in CI5 couldn’t even manage the control for his bed.

“I know Bodie, I know, but it is progress. Last week he couldn’t sit up and wasn’t even strong enough to press those buttons. It really is progress,” she said looking into the frustrated blue eyes of her son-in-law.

What he wouldn’t give to be able to kiss Ray, hug him, feel his breath on his neck as he held him but he had to deny himself. Ironically with all the time and effort he was expending on Ray he wasn’t sure he could do anything anyway. What price Bodie the sex-fiend, the priapismic monster now? Anyway wouldn’t that be sexual assault given Ray’s current condition?

So there was no place for him, for his ego. He had spent all his adult life being his own man, independent, separate, until he had met Ray. When they were a working team they had been part of a whole but still individuals. With Ray’s condition he had to forget all that and concentrate on Ray and Ray only. He would have to school himself to deny his wants. Ray would come first, last and everywhere with him but a small voice said “and I’ll disappear” and then he felt guilty.

“Running all the way.” The words echoed in his head as he pounded round the park in the morning. Twenty, thirty, forty circuits to be followed by a long session at the gym in the evening. He hoped he’d exhaust himself enough to sleep for a few hours at least. But running like this was wrong anyway. Ray should be running with him, moaning about Cowley’s latest sarcastic comments or the expenses chits that hadn’t been signed off. Or competing with him over who could do most press ups at the gym.

As Bodie came through the door of the flat he was greeted with the smell of the meal that Evelyn was cooking. They’d fallen into a routine of each taking turns to cook with the odd takeaway thrown in.

After they had finished the washing up and put away the supper things Bodie sat down ready to watch the box.

“Bodie, I think we need to talk things over.”

“Did anything happen to Ray that I need to know about?”

“No, no, nothing like that. This time I want to talk about you. Bodie, please hear me out. You’re obviously exhausted and you don’t look well. Shush, let me finish. I’m worried about you. No, don’t interrupt. Let me have my say. I’m going to talk to you like a mother or should I say, a mother-in-law. You are obviously a married couple in all but name.”

Bodie nodded.

“You’ve been wonderful in the way that you’ve been looking after Ray and supported me but you’re wearing yourself to a frazzle, my love. No, I said don’t interrupt,” she said gently.

“I know you’re not sleeping properly, you’re going on those long runs every morning and going to the gym in the evening and coming back exhausted. You must look after yourself or you’ll collapse.” She took his hands in hers.

“When my husband was diagnosed with what turned out to be his last illness, I cared for him in all possible ways but there were times when I felt I couldn’t go on and wanted to leave the whole awful situation. But one of the things about that situation was that we had had thirty five years of a full and happy marriage.”

“We had done many of the things we wanted to do and had Ray and watched him grow into a fine young man. But when you came along we were somewhat shocked.”

Bodie unconsciously clenched his fists but allowed Evelyn to continue.

“Yes, we were somewhat shocked. We’d imagined Ray with a lovely young girl, getting married and going on to have children but when we saw how Ray glowed when you were together and how much you cared for him we were happy for you both. Now, what I wanted to say was that your situation is not the same as mine. You are only thirty, with many more years to look forward to.”

At this Bodie mentally added, “if a bullet doesn’t get to us first.”

Evelyn continued, “Do you really want to be tied to someone who might be severely and irredeemably brain damaged and physically handicapped as well?”

At the words “tied to,” Bodie tried to argue Evelyn down.

She went on as though Bodie hadn’t spoken.

“Bodie, my generation was taught to look facts in the eye, however unpleasant they might be. You fell in love with a virile, active man who was your equal although so, so different from you. You thought you would have years together assuming your jobs didn’t do for either of you.”

“Can you contemplate living with and caring for someone so changed from the person you fell in love with? I know there’s money to provide support and allow you to work but assuming Ray does reach a point when he could be discharged to live at home would you be prepared to live with him? You know he might not be well enough ever to share your bed again.”

Bodie, who hadn’t blushed for years could feel the heat rising on his face.

Evelyn smiled, “Yes, we’re facing _all_ the facts. Could you face that particular fact? Would you be tempted to stray and if you did how would you feel afterwards? What if you fell in love again?”

“I’m going to stop now and suggest we don’t discuss this again until you’ve had time to think. I’m not giving you any kind of ultimatum, but you need to be honest - to yourself mainly, not just to me. I will not think any the less of you if you decide to go. You’ve made Ray so happy in the last two years and I’m so grateful for that.”

Evelyn looked back at the man Ray loved and wondered how this strong and resilient man was going to cope with this situation which was out of the ken of most people. Would he lose patience and give up?

How long could he hold out? He lived a life full of action and spontaneity where fast responses to dangerous situations were vital, but this, this, was an endurance test. How would Bodie react to a long-drawn out process which might still end in Ray being so damaged that Bodie and he could never be together in any meaningful way again?

“I, I’m going for out a walk,” although a run might have described the speed at which he left the flat.

It all came crashing in on him, the struggle to keep it together, the attempts to be patient when patience didn’t come naturally, the need to keep to a routine when any long running routine was like a small death to him, trying to treat Ray like a friend, not a lover. How much longer, how much longer and to what end? And Ray didn’t even recognise him.

The gay bar was in a small alley off a side road. Only those in the know and possibly undercover policemen, Bodie smiled grimly to himself, would be likely to go there but there was always a risk.

He’d deliberately dressed totally differently from normal. Ray would have been proud of him. Bodie pushed that particular thought away.

He had his cover story ready if anyone recognized him. Unlikely, given the low lighting. Anyway he knew that anyone who challenged him would be in as much danger of exposure as him.

He looked round. The place was packed, bodies pushed up against each other and moving round to the pounding music.

Suddenly a voice at his side said, “Want to dance?”

“You dancin’?” “You askin’” came to mind from his days in Liverpool.

“OK.”

The other man, slim, tall, upright, with blond hair took him in his arms.

This was what he wanted, a warm, responsive body up close to him. It hadn’t been the lack of sex, although that had been part of it but the lack of intimacy that was breaking him.

Ray was so passive, so unresponsive still. There had been flashes of intelligence in those green eyes but they had been fleeting. He missed the banter covering their affection, the knowing winks and nods, the loving insults, the rock, paper, scissors, almost telepathic moments. And Ray still didn’t recognise him.

He wanted his Ray back as he had been before the accident, with his witty comebacks and sarcastic comments, the easily-roused temper that flared and died just as quickly. The list could go on.

Bodie suddenly came to himself as the warm body moved suggestively against him and the blue eyes looked into his.

“Alright? You went away from me for a while. Want to go somewhere private? There’s rooms upstairs.”

“Sorry, just not in the mood tonight” and Bodie walked away to shouts of “cock tease.”

He got out the door and barely made it into the alleyway before he vomited until he was only bringing up bile and leaning against the wall, not able to stand because he was shaking so much.

So this was what Evelyn had meant. He’d been so arrogant, thinking his love for Ray would be enough to carry him through the awful situation they were in. How could a stranger’s need replace the love that he and Ray had shared? But the emphasis was now on the past tense.

He had to find a way of loving the new Ray, the Ray who didn’t recognise him and whom he didn’t recognise and at times resented. If he couldn’t do that he would have to walk away.

Ray and Evelyn deserved more than a begrudging relationship that dwelt on the past, the might-have-beens. So he would leave. Of course he would say goodbye to Ray and apologise to Evelyn and acknowledge to his shame that she had been right. He knew Ray wouldn’t miss him.

So Bodie pulled himself together and went to have the hardest conversation of his life.

Before he could begin Evelyn said,” So you’ve decided then. I hope you’ll be happy.” It was a measure of the woman that she sounded sincere.

“I think it would be better if I moved out of the flat otherwise it could prove awkward. I’ll ask Mr.Cowley if he can put me up in one of the CI5 flats while I look after Ray. Are you going to say goodbye to him? I think he deserves that at least.” At the last words her voice trembled a little.

“Yes of course but stay here as long as you like.”

“No, I don’t think it would be appropriate now. I’ll be alright. When will you see Ray? Do you want me to come with you?”

“I’ll go alone thank you.”

So Bodie made his way to the hospital to see his lover for the last time. He took his hand and said, “Ray, love, I’ve got to go soon. I’m being sent on an undercover mission and won’t be back for months, possibly a year. I’ll miss you.” He thought, “I can’t even be honest with him but then Ray wouldn’t know any different would he?” And then Bodie walked away.

Cowley told him in no uncertain tones that no he wasn’t going to send him on a long mission just so he could salve his conscience. Indeed he would be on the usual operational roster which meant he’d often be working close to the hospital with the risk of running into Evelyn. Cowley was unmoveable on this point: Bodie would just have to put up with it.

Bodie flung himself on the bed, still unused to the silence now that Evelyn had moved out and missing the routine of his visits to the hospital. No, he’d left all that behind him once he’d made his decision so he’d got to move on and rebuild his life. Of course he still heard snippets of news about Ray but over the two weeks since he’d said goodbye to him no one seemed to notice that he wasn’t going to the hospital. There’d been a rush of cases and everyone was concentrating on them but he supposed he’d have to come up with some story once the rush died down.

He’d gone back to the gay bar and even seen the blond, blue-eyed bloke there who’d swallowed his pride and asked Bodie whether he wanted a fling, “You know nothing heavy, just a bit of fun.” And this time Bodie had gone with him but straight blond hair wasn’t auburn-tinged curls and blue eyes weren’t green ones.


	5. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodie comes back to Ray.

He’d reported for work the next day, jaded and tired. As he went to the rest room for his cup of tea, Murph said, “Heard the news? Ray’s taken a turn for the worse. His mum just phoned to say they think it’s only a matter of time.”

Bodie shot out the door, raced to his car and was at the hospital within minutes. He barged through the door of Ray’s room pushing past a startled nurse. Evelyn was stroking Ray’s forehead as he turned his head restlessly from side to side, his face flushed and beaded with sweat.

Evelyn looked up, unsurprised.

“He’s got an infection and he’s not fighting it. It’s as though he’s lost the will to live. I think he knows you’ve left him.”

At that, Bodie crumbled.

“He can’t, he can’t be dying. He hasn’t known me for months. How could he miss me?”

“All I know is that since you left him he’s slowly gone downhill and then he got the infection and it’s like he’s given up. I know I said I’d understand if you left but please, please stay with him until he’s got through this or…”

“Ray, love, I’m here and I’m staying. Come on you’ve got to get better for me and your mum. Come on angelfish. Don’t give up.”

Bodie took one of Ray’s hands and stroked it gently, then kissed his cheek and ran his hand through his too-short hair, kept like that because it was easier for the nurses to tend. He kept up a stream of soothing, almost meaningless words, trying to pull back Ray from wherever he was trying to go or at least to smooth his journey to its final destination.

Suddenly Evelyn’s voice broke in, “Bodie, I think you need to rest. You’ve been here for hours.”

“But I can’t rest, not now.”

“Come on, can’t you see? Look. Ray is sleeping and his fever is going down.”

“I thought he was so quiet because he was slipping away.”

“No. You’ve started to bring him back.”

And then Bodie felt a slight pressure on his hand and saw that Ray was trying to respond, very weakly yes, but he was touching Bodie’s hand.

“Oh, Ray.” Bodie just sat, holding his lover’s hand, unable to do more than that.

Then Evelyn said again, “You really must rest. After all you can’t get ill while Ray’s recovering.”

Reluctantly he let go of Ray’s hand and realized that he was weary to the bone. When he tried to get up he nearly fell as he had been sitting in one position for so long. Strong arms supported him and he saw that it was one of the doctors.

“Right young fella-me-lad, there’s a spare bed in the side room next door, off you go. We’ll let you know when you need to come back. Don’t look so worried. He is getting better. Now go.”


	6. The Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyle continues to improve but in fits and starts.

“Come on Ray why aren’t you trying?”

Bodie had tried not to show his frustration with Ray’s attitude. He just seemed willing for others to do his work for him, barely co-operating with the exercises and zoning out on a regular basis.

Bodie hadn’t noticed Dr Cavanagh come in while he was talking to Ray.

“Bodie, could I have a word outside please?”

“Sure.”

“Bodie, we are all grateful for what you are doing for Ray and with your help he’s made great progress.”

The doctor saw the look of disbelief on his face.

“I know it must seem to you that Ray isn’t trying or co-operating but believe you me that what we are asking of him is like getting him to run a marathon in five minutes or throw a shot-putt with one arm tied behind his back. He can’t concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time and he’s still having problems with processing language. He’s exhausted, not just tired, for most of the time.”

A chastened Bodie followed the doctor back into the room.

“Come on sunshine, I’ll take you for a shower.”

He helped Ray up from the wheelchair and then into the shower with Ray leaning heavily on him, just about able to keep to his feet.

“Right, you sit on that stool and then you can take a shower.”

“Or rather I’ll help give you a shower and hope you remember what to do,” Bodie added mentally.

“Here’s the soap. Do you remember what to do with it?”

“I, I…” and Ray started playing with the soap and laughing.

“Oh, what the…!”

“Ray I’ve turned the water on. You’ve got the soap, what do you do?”

“Don’t know.” There was a stubborn look on Ray’s face as though perhaps he did know but wasn’t going to say.

Trying to rein in his growing impatience, Bodie said, “Put the soap under the shower and wet it.”

Ray tentatively held the soap under the water and then promptly dropped it.

Firmly holding on to his temper, Bodie stepped further into the shower, switched the water off and picked up the soap. Now thoroughly wet and even more fed up he gave Ray the soap again.

“Come on Ray, let’s try again and this time we’ll do it together.”

“Yes, Bodie.”

“What did you say?”

But the moment had passed and Ray was in a world of his own again.

Bodie longed to hold his lover to him as he would have done when they showered together before the accident but to do that now would be tantamount to assault so he started to soap up the once gorgeous honey-coloured body that was now pale and too thin.

“Now Ray can you do the rest of you?”

“Don’t want to, like it when you do it, Bodie.”

“Ray, do you know who I am?”

“You’re Bodie, my friend,” Ray said trustingly and this time there was recognition in his eyes.

Bodie didn’t dare dwell on those words, not really sure where they were coming from and what they implied for the future so he concentrated on making sure that Ray was washing himself. He’d spent so long hoping for something like this to happen that he wasn’t sure how to react.

“Now you’re clean, what do you do?”

“Rinse off?”

“That’s right. Give me the soap and we’ll get the suds off you.”

“See now you’re clean we’ll dry you off shall we?” “Come on Bodie where did this ‘we’ come from?” He could almost hear Ray’s sarcasm in his mind.

“Here’s the towel, now rub hard so that you get dry. See.”

“Yes, Bodie. Can I go to bed now?”

“OK. Can you remember how to put your pyjamas on?”

“No. Forgotten.”

“Come on Ray, try. Sit in your wheelchair and we’ll get your pyjamas from the bed.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“Want to walk. Don’t like the, the - chair.”

“Alright then. I’ll help you. Come on.”

Bodie smiled at Ray. Stubborn little sod even when not in his right mind. Feeling immensely cheered by these signs of perverseness, Bodie said, “ Right here are your pyjamas. You put them on.”

“How?”

“I think you’re kidding me. Let’s do it together. Here are your pyjama trousers. Now sit on the bed and put your leg in this pyjama leg and then your other leg in the other one.”

“Don’t want to.”

He was annoying when he was in this mood but then Bodie reminded himself that at least he was alive and well enough to be annoying.

“Come on Ray, you’ll get cold, “ he coaxed.

Suddenly Ray slid into his pyjama trousers in a perfectly co-ordinated move.

“Well done! Now here’s the jacket. Can you remember how to put it on?”

“No.”

Bodie looked into green eyes which lit up a smiling face.

“I think you’re having me on again. Put your arm here and your other arm in there. That’s right. Then what do you do?”

“Buttons.”

“That’s right. Now do them up. I’ll start you off with the top one and then let’s see how you do with the rest.”

Watching Ray struggle with the buttons, all fingers and thumbs, it was as though he’d gone back three weeks. But the doctors had said his progress would be like that, uneven and unpredictable so Bodie let Ray struggle and try to work it out for himself.

“That’s really good Ray.” He disregarded the two buttons that Ray had missed. It was important that Ray felt he’d done well.

“Now it’s time for bed. Do you want me to read to you?”

“Yes please, Bodie,” but Ray could hardly keep his eyes open as he snuggled down.

“Goodnight,” and Bodie said under his breath “my love, my sweetheart.”

“Evelyn.”

“He’s not worse? Should I come?”

Hearing the panicked note in her voice he sought to reassure her.

“No, it’s good news. He’s remembered me. At least as his friend if nothing more at the moment.”

“Oh, Bodie that’s wonderful. I’m so pleased for you.”

As he put the phone down, he allowed it to hit him. Ray had remembered him but it was a faulty memory or perhaps Ray no longer understood about the difference between friends and lovers. Perhaps he never would. After all if he couldn’t even do up a jacket or wash himself properly how could he be expected to understand things like that any more?

Now that Ray was improving he was well enough to go to regular physiotherapy sessions but he wouldn’t let Bodie go with him and Bodie couldn’t understand why.

“Come on Ray, let me come in with you just the once otherwise I might think you were practicing the dark arts in there.” But Bodie had forgotten that Ray still found it difficult to understand that kind of humour.

“What, what do you mean? Dark arts?”

“Alright Ray, don’t worry about it. I’m just trying to be funny.”

“Not very funny.”

“No, it wasn’t, I agree.” He thought sadly about the times when they had been able to share such silly comments with perfect understanding.

But Bodie wasn’t going to be shut out any longer so the next time that Ray was wheeled away to the physio department Bodie followed him a few seconds later and stood near the department’s open door. All his natural grace gone, Ray struggled out of the wheelchair while the physio watched his struggles.

“Come on Ray, you can do better than that. Remember what I said about consciously centring your body and taking it slow. Yes, that’s better. Now we’ll try the parallel bars.”

Ray pushed himself upright and limped slowly to the bars then almost fell onto them. Hauling himself off them he grabbed each side and made his way laboriously along them to words of encouragement from the physio.

“That’s right. That’s much better. You’re getting there. Now two more and that’ll be it for today.”

Getting there! Bodie looked at his partner who was barely able to stand upright, sweat pouring off him and a look of grim determination on his face as he made his way along the bars and back again until he almost collapsed into the arms of the physio.

“Fine, Ray. That’s enough for today.”

“B-b…”

“Yes, I know, given the chance you’d be here for hours more but you can’t exhaust yourself.”

“I…I’ve g…got to,” then his words failed him.

The physio helped him back into the wheelchair as Ray shook with exhaustion.

“Look, Ray, I know you get frustrated but it’s only a few days ago that you could hardly get out of that chair. You’ve got to get a balance - put in the effort and work hard at your recovery but also don’t push yourself so hard that you put your progress back.”

Bodie moved away before Ray could see him. Now he understood. Through a mixture of embarrassment and independence Ray hadn’t wanted him to see how difficult it was for him.

As Bodie had long ago had to abandon any pretence about the nature of his and Ray’s relationship (or perhaps he should say its former nature) to the hospital staff, Dr Cavanagh had been very clear to Bodie about the very real risk that Ray might never remember that they had been lovers.

The doctor had been insistent that Bodie think very carefully about whether he was willing to deal with that. After his traumatic decision to leave Ray and then realizing that he couldn’t abandon him he had realised that he would take Ray in his life as a platonic friend rather than not at all.

Over the last year, although Ray had made fantastic strides, the doctors felt that he could make even more progress if he went back to his old family home to try to regain some of his earlier memories. Ray was still uncertain about doing some things without Bodie and Bodie felt it would be no bad thing if he learned to be more independent of him especially as he still had not regained his memory of their relationship.

In the end it was agreed that Ray would stay with his mother while she helped him with his reading and writing and Bodie had some adjustments made to the flat.

“But where will you be, Bodie?”

“Well, I’ll be here but also doing my job while you’re lounging about doing sweet FA.”

“No, no. I’ll be doing things with my mum, I wouldn’t be lazy. Oh, you were joking weren’t you?”

Then Ray had smiled his open, innocent, heartbreaking smile. 

Heartbreaking because Bodie and Evelyn missed the knowing, slightly ironic ones he used to give them before the accident. 

Then came the time for him to move back to live with Bodie.

“But mum, I live here, not there,” he said worriedly.

“Yes I know you’ve been living here for a few weeks but remember we talked about this and your home is with Bodie now.”

Ray still had hours and sometimes even days like this when his regained memory seemed to drop into a deep pit and it almost seemed that he was back to when he struggled even to remember his name.

“And anyway your friends live nearer to your and Bodie’s house.”

“How do I get from there to here, mum? I could drive I suppose.”

“No love, it’s too dangerous for you after your accident. Bodie or I will bring you.”

“Well, I’ll miss you,” and he smiled.

It had been a chance comment by Mrs. Sampson, a neighbour of his mum’s, that had started it. She’d brought in a cake as a welcoming present for Ray.

“Where’s your friend Bodie? I like listening to you talk together. You’re like an old married couple. Oh I don’t mean anything by it but you get on so well. You’re really amusing together.”

“Mum, what did she mean? Old married couple?”

“Oh, you know Mrs. Sampson, not exactly tactful is she?”

“But what she said sounds right somehow. Bodie’s not married to me. Of course he couldn’t be, we’re both men and anyway he’s my friend.”

And then over the next few days the memories had started to come back, the time when they’d realised that they wanted to be more than friends, the first time they’d kissed, the first time they’d made love, living together as lovers, Evelyn calling herself Bodie’s mother-in-law.

“Mum, mum, what’s happening? Bodie’s my friend not my lover. It’s wrong isn’t it, he’s my friend.” Ray was getting more and more distressed so Evelyn hugged him.

“Shush, my love. Would you really hate it if Bodie was more than a friend?”

“I love Bodie.”

“Just as a friend or more than that?”

“I’ll always love him. Yes, I want him as more than a friend. But what happened to my memory of that? I think we’ve been together like that for two years? Why didn’t you or Bodie say?”

“We didn’t want to upset you. The doctor advised us to wait until you remembered on your own. Do you want to phone him and let him know or wait until he comes to collect you?”

Ray had decided to wait until Bodie came to collect him.

“Bodie?”

“Yes?”

“Why don’t you call me love any more?”

“What!”

“Bodie, I’ve missed you. I love you.”


	7. Full Recovery?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doyle remembers something that Bodie would rather forget.

As Ray improved he was pronounced fit to drive again, Macklin had started to put him through his paces and Cowley, not wanting to waste money on a non-productive member of his team, had insisted that Ray work part-time in the office, doing “bloody admin” as Ray put it.

“Bodie.”

“Yes love,” Bodie said absently as he was trying to fill in yet another flaming expenses claim form.

“Bodie, you know I’m starting to remember.”

“Of course.”

“But I’m scared. I think I’ve lost a year.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well you know you told me you were going on a job that was going to last months, possibly a year, so you wouldn’t be able to come and see me? I can’t remember anything more about it.”

Bodie was about to make a joking comment when he suddenly realised what Ray was talking about - the mission he had invented to explain his absence to Ray when he was actually leaving for good. But Ray had been barely conscious. He’d talked himself hoarse hoping for some sign of life during that awful time but Bodie had never believed that Ray had been in a state to take in much of anything that had been said. How had Ray understood that?

What the hell was he going to do? Bodie had successfully pushed his betrayal of Ray to the back of his mind. It only troubled him now and again and he generally managed to think of it as just a bump in the road. But of course it wasn’t and wouldn’t be from Ray’s point of view. Coming out of a coma with vanishing hope of full recovery and what does his lover do? Walk away with every intention of never coming back and what’s more having a one-night stand with a man he’d picked up at a gay bar.

He could lie again of course, say Ray must have dreamt it or just laugh it off as a misunderstanding. Could he really do that again to someone who trusted him absolutely? And who loved him absolutely? Now his Ray was back with him mentally and physically could he risk it? If he told Ray the truth it was going to hurt him terribly. Ray would never have left him if their roles had been reversed. He had always been the stronger of the two.

“So honourable, so noble,” the inner voice mocked him.

“Bodie, what’s the matter?” Ray sounded anxious.

Aware that minutes must have passed, he realised that he had to give Ray an answer and that a truthful one even if it meant losing him.

“Sorry love, I’ve got to tell you something and it’s going to hurt you.”

Bodie had faced gunfire, helped defuse bombs, entered burning and collapsing buildings to rescue those trapped inside but all that was nothing compared to this.

“You’d never hurt me,” Ray said confidently.

So Bodie proceeded to break his lover’s heart with a few brief sentences.

After the few minutes it took, Ray sat immobile, his face set and expressionless but his eyes full of hurt and bewilderment. Suddenly he got up and made for the door.

“Ray, come back! Don’t leave like this.”

Bodie, fearful of what Ray might do, hurried after him and caught up with him on the stairs.

“Ray, love…”

“Don’t you touch me, I’m not your love, Did mum know about this?”

“Well…”

“So I can’t trust her either then. I’ll move out tomorrow and I don’t want anything more to do with you or mum.”

“Ray, don’t punish your mum for this. She hasn’t done anything, just kept quiet for my sake.”

Ray came back up the stairs and went into the spare bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind him.

After a sleepless night when he’d tried several times to get Ray to open the door, Bodie got up to try again but Ray forestalled him by coming out.

“Go away. I don’t want you near me,” he almost hissed. Bodie was shocked at how Ray looked - red-eyed, with dark shadows under his eyes, seeming to have lost weight overnight from an already skinny body.

“Once I’ve found somewhere to live I’ll be out of your hair for good by the end of the week so you can entertain as many lovers as you like without me to cramp your style or were you thinking of having some threesomes? If so, you’ll have to find another idiot to take advantage of.”

The bitterness and utter despair in Ray’s voice stopped Bodie in his tracks. How the hell could he mend the situation? He felt his life slipping away. The life they had carefully been rebuilding over the last few months. Their relationship had been deepening as they were discovering new things about each other. Ray had certainly found a hell of a new thing about him.

“Get out of my way and keep out of it for the rest of the week.”

So Bodie had done just that. After a while Ray had emerged from the bedroom, had a shower, dressed, stalked through the sitting-room and left, slamming the door behind him. The rest of the week was hell for Bodie, Ray refusing to speak to him, despite his apologising and asking him to keep safe, leaving the flat early and coming back late, often in the early hours of the morning, smelling of smoke and sex and often drunk, looking increasingly unhappy.

“Ray, things can’t go on like this. I’ve said sorry so many times and I’ll keep on saying it until you believe me. I don’t want to lose you.”

“How can I believe anything you say any more? You’ve been lying to me for months, no, at least a year. You said you loved me but you can’t have to have done what you did. I’d never do that to you.”

“But I think that’s exactly what you’ve been doing to me all this week, sweetheart,” guessing that Ray had been cruising round gay bars picking up strangers. 

Ray made a gesture of denial.

“You’re not happy, I’m not happy. Doing to me what you’ve been doing this week you’ve made it pretty obvious that you’re trying to get your own back. But it’s not safe, sunshine.”

Again Ray made a gesture of denial.

“I may be a dirty lying bastard but I want you to be safe.”

“It’s nothing to do with you anymore.”

Bodie didn’t see the punch which felled him. Coming to a little while later and aided by the water which was trickling down his neck he saw Ray’s anxious face.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes love, I’m fine. I deserved that. Now can we talk?”

“I suppose so but you’re not going to stop me from leaving. There’s nothing here for me now,” and his voice cracked.

“Just let me get up and we’ll talk.”

Bodie pushed himself up, still feeling slightly tottery. His sunshine could still certainly pack a punch. Said sunshine made no attempt to help him up as Bodie made his way to the settee while Ray sat in an armchair. There was none of the companionable sharing of personal space. This was more like opponents squaring up to each other.

“Well, get on with it, I’ve got things to do and they don’t include you.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“Worried about me? Why should you be? You were going to leave me so why say you’re bothered about me? It’s obvious I don’t matter to you. Have you just been humouring me all this time? Poor, brain-damaged Ray. I must look after him at least until someone better comes along for me, someone who’s whole.”

Well, Ray had certainly rediscovered the art of biting sarcasm. No problem there anymore.

“Ray, it wasn’t like that at all. You’re the strong one and I didn’t realise that until I buckled under the pressure. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I thought I wasn’t any help to you, I wasn’t any use to you and yes, the lack of sex was part of it. But I soon learned that having sex with a stranger was never going to be the same as making love with you.”

Ray relaxed slightly back into the chair, the stern, unforgiving look on his face becoming more neutral.

“And I think you may have been finding that out for yourself this week.”

Bodie saw that hit home as Ray’s eyes widened and a blush spread across his face.

“Yes, well I…” and he couldn’t go on.

Bodie crossed to Ray’s chair and took him by the shoulders.

“Look, love, we’re both human and I hurt you badly and you tried to do the same to me and it’s worked, how it’s worked but I do love you. And I’m not waiting for someone new and as you put it, whole, to come along. I only want you. Please forgive me.”

“Bodie,” and at that, Ray leant forward and kissed him. It was a tentative and gentle kiss. Bodie’s grip tightened as he returned the kiss. 

“Ray, take me to bed?” and Ray did.


	8. The Assessment and Its Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray attends his final medical and fitness assessment.

Bodie woke up the next morning and looked at his lover who was fast asleep and as usual taking up more than his fair share of the bed. He wasn’t taking this healing of the rift for granted. Trust between the two was going to have to be rebuilt.

Perhaps they’d cocooned themselves a little too cosily in their own world, grateful that Ray was mainly healed and the brain damage now showing itself in only very minor ways. Ray was fast approaching the time when he was going to have his final medical and fitness assessment. They’d accepted that Ray was never going to be fit enough for Section A. Although now he was very fit, he was just not fit enough to reach the exacting standards of CI5’s Section A.

But much as he loved Ray, Bodie had been getting fed up to the back teeth with Ray’s irritability. He snapped at him over the slightest thing, was biting and sarcastic virtually all the time and had completely lost his sense of humour.

At first, Bodie had been delighted at getting the sarky sod back again but this was too much. There was no let up. He’d tried being patient for the few weeks especially when Ray was coming back from his sessions with Macklin white-faced and exhausted. Tender concern just got “I’m fine, don’t fuss” or a fake yawn before Ray went off to the shower.

In the end, Bodie couldn’t stand it any more. After the nth explosion from his lover, Bodie finally snapped.

“For God’s sake, Ray, what the hell are you playing at, you miserable sod? You’ve been hell to live with for the past few weeks. Are you thinking of leaving me? At least tell me straight rather than putting me through this.”

Ray looked at him, shock written all over his face.

“Of course I’m not thinking of leaving you. I thought we’d sorted that out. Have I really been that bad?”

“Yes, you really have. What’s the matter?”

“I was trying not to worry you. I thought I was doing quite well.”

Bodie snorted in disbelief.

“Well obviously I was kidding myself. I’ve got the date for my final assessment for Section B and if you must know it’s worrying me sick. I can’t not be in Section B at least. I can’t not be in CI5.” At this his voice cracked.

“You know there is life after CI5. We’ll have to leave one day.”

“But not yet. I’ve lost so much. I lost so many months before I remembered us and I lost so much time having to learn everything again. I can’t, I really can’t…” and Ray stopped before he broke down entirely.

Bodie saw that this was not the time to play comforter. Ray had his pride so he let him walk off to the shower without saying anything.

When Ray came back, clean and composed, Bodie said, “Look, we’re in this together, you don’t have to do this alone. I’ll help you in whatever way I can and if you don’t get in then we’ll come up with a plan. Do you really think that Cowley would let you go if you failed the assessment?”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” he admitted.

“No, too busy worrying to think straight. You need to be more like me, don’t have a thought in your head.”

At least that raised a smile.

Bodie pursued his advantage. “I know you’ve remembered virtually everything. Well, remember this. You’ve always been an asset to CI5 and you always will be,” and this time Bodie gave his lover the comfort he needed and hugged him tightly.

The day of Ray’s final assessment arrived. They both got up early, neither having slept, just lying next to each other pretending to sleep. Bodie wordlessly prepared breakfast although neither of them ate more than a couple of mouthfuls.

“Do you want a lift in?”

“No thanks, I’ll drive myself. Anyway I’d better be going.”

Bodie took a startled look at his watch – half past seven. Far too early to start out but no use arguing the point so he gave Ray a quick goodbye kiss and said,” Good luck and see you later.” 

Then he proceeded to worry for the next few hours. There was no way he could phone to see how things had gone. It would be too embarrassing for Ray and anyway he wanted the news from Ray in person. So he tidied the already tidy flat and cleaned the already spotless surfaces and finally let himself sit down on the settee to worry some more.

Six hours after Ray had left he heard fumbling at the front door. Ray stumbled into the sitting-room, white-faced and swaying. Bodie almost ran so he could catch him before he fell and then he led him to the settee. 

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” 

After what seemed like hours Ray looked up, “They said I’d never get up to the fitness levels they need even for Section B. My left leg’s too weak and liable to let me down especially when I get tired and when I’m tired my speech slurs. If I got into an emergency they might not be able to understand what I’m saying. Then they offered me a medical discharge.”

Bodie looked at the man he loved. “Angelfish, it’s terrible put like that but we knew it might come to that. What did Cowley say? You’re too good to be dismissed just like that.”

“I expect he’ll give me my marching orders in the end. How’d you feel about staying with your washed-up, useless partner?”

Ignoring the bitter comment for the moment, Bodie persisted.

“I’m sure Cowley must have said something. What was it?”

“We-ll,” the slurring was slightly less now. “He said something about a strategic post, helping with policies and liaising with other forces.”

“And what did you say to that?”

“Can’t remember. Was too shocked. I just got in the car and then went over to the park and walked for hours.”

That explained it. No wonder Ray had barely got through the door without stumbling. That only reinforced the reasons for CI5’s decision about his fitness which Ray had always taken for granted and which had been stripped away by the effects of the injury. In spite of his and the efforts of the physios and the speech therapists he was still left with limitations which, being Ray, he had refused to acknowledge.

“Come on love, what about a bath. A nice long soak should help your leg.”

And at least it might help Ray to relax and rest.

No reply. Ray was already half-asleep with adrenaline fall-off but Bodie knew that if he let Ray sleep like that he’d wake stiff and possibly in pain.

“Ray,” tapping him on the shoulder.

“Oh,” sleepy green eyes looked up at him.

“What about a bath? There’s plenty of hot water.”

“Alright. It suppose it might help.”

Bodie ran the water, then helped Ray undress and led him into the bathroom. Ray was in no fit state to take a bath by himself so Bodie stripped off, settled Ray into the bath and got in behind him. Then he started to massage Ray’s back until he flopped bonelessly against him, now wholly asleep and totally relaxed. Bodie let him lie there, listening to the calm breathing of his lover. When the water began to cool he woke him up and managed to get him out of the bath. 

Ray stood there, looking to Bodie all of sixteen, and vulnerable as hell. Of course, if he’d said that to his little ray of sunshine he would have been thumped to kingdom come. That’s my Ray, independent as all get out even when he’s most in need of help. 

Ray was still very sleepy so Bodie towelled him dry and put him to bed. Ray was out like a light as soon as his head hit the pillow, the stress lines starting to fade, so Bodie gave his temple a light kiss, closed the door and went into the sitting -room.

The job Ray had described - was he up to it? He was intelligent and thoughtful, even read the Guardian. But what Ray had mentioned sounded as though it might need some qualities such as tact and diplomacy that Ray had not so far shown. Certainly his illness and convalescence had made him somewhat more patient but …

Bodie knew that love was supposed to be blind but in his admittedly limited experience of love (as opposed to sex) he thought that love gave a certain objectivity. You loved despite, as well as because, of the qualities of your beloved.

Yes, Ray was level-headed in the face of gunfire but what he was likely to have to face in the new job was sniping by jobsworths. He and Ray had been witnesses at meetings when they had sometimes accompanied Cowley as bodyguards. They’d been there when Cowley had come out of such meetings, grey with tiredness and frustration.

He loved Ray’s witty comebacks when they were bantering with each other or teammates but that was so totally different from Ray having to hang on to his temper while some stupid twit was holding forth. The famous Doyle short fuse would be a problem. Or was he just selling Ray short? Or - was Cowley doing one of his famous double or even triple thinks? Suggesting a job Ray wouldn’t want so that he’d take the one Cowley actually wanted him to do. 

Suddenly his reverie was broken into by a cry from the bedroom. Ray was threshing about, crying out and obviously in the grip of a nightmare. He hadn’t had one of those for months.

“No, no, don’t want it.”

“Shush, shush, I’m here. Don’t take on so.”

Bodie, very carefully (because Ray still had pretty fast reflexes after all), touched his shoulder lightly and then stood well back.

The green eyes opened suddenly.

“Bodie, I had a terrible dream. I was walking down these endless corridors but couldn’t find the room I was supposed to be in. My leg was giving me gyp and it gave way so I ended up crawling. Then I got to the room and everyone was looking at me and asking questions but I could only stammer. I managed to get up and the bloke next to me was laughing at me so I belted him. Then you woke me up.”

Bodie just about managed to stifle a laugh as he imagined the scene in Ray’s nightmare and even Ray smiled slightly.

“Yes, I know my temper an’ all. What do you think it means?”

“I think you know. Anxious about what the job could involve for instance? And does it sound like your cup of tea anyway?”

“No, of course it doesn’t,” snapped his partner.

“I’ve just been put on the scrap heap and offered a job I don’t think I can do,” and his voice started to break slightly.

“Now come on. You’ve got through worse than this. Think about when you were recovering from your accident. You thought you’d never walk or talk properly again let alone be able even to think about working again. Anyway you _have_ been working for the last few months.”

“Yes, part time and picking up odds and sods in the office. I thought I was just filling in time until I got back in the field. It’s a lot to take in all at once. As soon as I get over one obstacle there’s another in the way.”

You could say that again. Why couldn’t God, Providence or Cowley give Ray a break. It had been two hard years of critical illness, struggle, setbacks and recovery only to end like this. Ray’s career meant so much for him. He had too much to offer for it to end like this but he was still somewhat emotionally fragile although he’d never admit it, not even to himself. He couldn’t take another setback without its taking a further toll on him (“and me,” a quiet voice said inside Bodie’s head.)

“I know, Ray but you’re a strong man. You’ve had to be to put up with me. Why don’t you arrange a meeting with Cowley to go over the details of this new job? I could come with you if you wanted.”

“No, definitely not, can you imagine the comments if I needed to be babysat? Do you think Cowley’s up to his old tricks? Double or triple thinking by offering me a job I can’t do and don’t want so he can suggest the one he actually wants me to do?”

“See, you haven’t lost your edge. Course it’s likely. The old man just can’t stop playing games. But forget what the Cow might have in mind. What do you want? You don’t even have to stay with CI5.”

“Are you saying I’m useless?,” the Doyle temper flared up again.

“Did I say that? You’ll never be useless but things have changed a lot and you can’t change them back. Dr Ross would probably say you should think of it as an opportunity or a challenge.”

“- Dr Ross!”

“Language! I thought Evelyn had brought you up better than that.”

“I never wanted this. You’ll leave me and I’ll end up on the dole and living with mum…”

Bodie tuned out, letting Ray have his rant, knowing that his dramatic partner had to work through his worst case scenario thinking.

“Don’t you agree?”

Bodie suddenly realized that the rant had stopped and Ray was waiting for an answer.

Guiltily he looked up and said, “I’m sorry love, thinking how I can help.”

“Come off it, you weren’t listening.”

“Well…”

“I know, I know, being a bit over the top wasn’t I?”

“Never! But now you’ve had your rant can we talk sensibly? What would you actually like to do regardless of the Cow or me?”

“Not sure. I think I need to find out exactly what Cowley has in mind first.”

“Right, that’s settled. Let’s go to bed.”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“You’ll just have to see won’t you?”

Ray took himself off to see Cowley the next day.

“Well, laddie, now you’ve had a chance to consider it what do you think about my offer?”

“Sir, I think you know what I think about it. What do you really want to offer me?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” but Cowley had a slight smile on his face as he said it.

“You know as well as I do that you’ve offered me a job that I couldn’t do and wouldn’t want and you’d be setting me up to fail.”

“It’s nice to know you haven’t lost your suspicious nature.”

“Thanks for the compliment but can we get to the point?”

“Watch it. I’m still your boss don’t forget. What would you like to do?”

“What? You’re giving me a choice?”

”I’d like to see whether your ideas match mine. Go home and think about it. I’m sure Bodie will have something to say as well. Go on then, away with you. I haven’t got all day to waste.”

Having waited for hours for Ray to get home, Bodie was prepared for a repeat of the evening before when Ray had come home broken, but when Ray did get home the one thing Bodie hadn’t thought of was for him to come in totally silently and then sit down, still without a word. Bodie prepared himself for the worst.

“That bad eh?”

“No, not really. You know I thought I knew the old bastard inside out but he completely caught me by surprise.”

“How?”

“He actually asked me to think about what I’d like to do so he could see whether my ideas matched his.”

“What? Are you sure you were both in your right minds? How many drams did you have between you?”

“Don’t be daft.” And Ray fixed his lover with a gimlet-eyed look that would have killed anyone else at ten paces.

“Alright, assuming you weren’t both out of your minds with whisky and I must say you don’t smell of it, what would you like to do?”

“Well, I’ve always thought Macklin’s methods needed looking at for a start…”

“You can say that again.”

“And we aren’t really up to date with this new technology.”

“Are you proposing to train agents in martial arts and computers? Come off it Ray. You enjoy teaching the kids karate but that’s completely different to taking on Macklin at his own game apart from the problems with your leg and anyway you know next to nothing about computers.”

“Hold your horses, I know, I know. I’m just saying I can see how to improve CI5’s performance but…” and Ray’s voice trailed away into silence again.

“Ray, sunshine. Are you alright?”

Bodie got up quickly, concerned and anxious.

“No, don’t worry, I’m alright. It’s not like yesterday. I’ve been thinking. That’s why I took so long getting home. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and you know what? I’m not sure whether I care enough now to want to work for CI5 any more.”

“But that’s a complete turn around from what you were saying yesterday and your job’s been your life for years.”

“No, you and mum are my life. I know that’s different from what I said yesterday when the thought of never working for CI5 again terrified me. But today I realised that whatever job I ended up with in CI5 would never really be what I wanted. I can’t go back to before my accident. And we both know that we or should I say, you, aren’t getting any younger.”

“I’m in my prime, I’ll have you know.”

“You tell yourself that, my son.”

“As it is, we’d never work together and your hours wouldn’t fit in with mine. You’d be in danger and I wouldn’t be there to keep you out of trouble. It’s been bad enough me knowing that while I’ve been recuperating. I’ve been so grateful you’ve come back to me with only a few bruises and the odd flesh wound.” 

Trying to stop this descent into sentimentality, Bodie said gruffly, “I think it’s me that used to keep you out of trouble.”

“But you know what I mean. I really don’t want to lose you. You’re like an old pair of shoes I’ve got used to.”

“Thanks a bundle. So if you’re not working for CI5 what do you want to do? And where does that leave me?”

“I really enjoy teaching the kids and I’ve had some offers to do it full time.”

“You never told me.”

“It didn’t seem relevant but now it does.”

“So as I said, where does that leave me?”

“What about joining me, with me teaching the kids karate and you teaching adults other self-defence skills? Or you could still work for CI5. _You_ aren’t on the scrapheap.”

Ray couldn’t stop the slight crack in his voice at this statement. Bodie understood what a big thing it was for Ray to say what he had. Much of his adult life had been spent with CI5.

Bodie thought back through the years of their partnership and what Ray had said was true. He missed having Ray there at work. No other colleagues had that almost telepathic ability to read his mind and anticipate his moves. Although he trusted the people he was now partnered with it just wasn’t the same and he wasn’t sure that he was willing to carry on working in that way. Ray and he only had a few more years anyway before they would have been retired from field work. 

“Bodie?”

He came out of his reflections with a start.

“You know, I never thought I’d say this but you’re right. It’s just not been the same without you being there to watch my back, however badly you used to do it.”

“Hey. I’ll take back my offer then.”

“Arm wrestle you for it?” 

They graciously let it be a draw. Honour satisfied, they resumed their talk.

“I’m going to make an appointment with Cowley and we can both give him our decision. I’ll accept the medical discharge and that’ll give us some money to live on until we get the jobs sorted.”

The next day they were ushered into Cowley’s office.

“Come in. I suspect that as you’re both here, you’ve made a decision affecting both your futures.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you for the offer you made me yesterday but I’m going to accept the offer of a medical discharge.”

“And I’m turning in my papers as well.”

“Thank you for letting me know.”

“You don’t sound very surprised.”

“Why would I be? After all, I’ve been in this game a lot longer than you two. What do you intend to do with yourselves?”

“We’ll sort something out. Probably teach karate and other martial arts.”

“I have no doubt you will. Congratulations. Of course you’ll have to serve the usual three months’ notice and I expect both of you to report for duty tomorrow.”

“Well, it’s nice to feel appreciated.” Bodie was careful to say this once they were out of Cowley’s hearing.

“You know he was just trying to keep his sadness in check. He’ll be throwing us a wonderful leaving party with fountains of champagne and oodles of caviar and a fulsome speech praising us to the skies, barely able to hide the tears.”

“It’s nice to know you’re kept a touching faith in humanity despite all your years of working for Cowley.”

“I can but hope.”

In between work they used the time to finalise their plans. Having totted up their finances they realized they could buy into a local sports centre where they could both use their skills and then decided to add in a sideline of investigative work.

Needless to say, once the three months was up, the only leaving do they had was a pint and sandwiches at the local boozer where all their colleagues barracked them and Cowley just managed to thank them for their time at CI5 through gritted teeth.

The next day Cowley phoned them and said, “I hear you’re in the market to do private investigative work. I have something you might be interested in.”


End file.
